Track marks and holiday beverages

So we got our blood tests the other day.  Eight vials of blood they took from each of us.  It is a little annoying that my partner had to get her blood taken (and our doctor himself said he could not think of a reasons for this) but since it is our first step, it is kind of nice that we both had to do it.

A few friends who I was on my first mat leave with are pregnant, and I'm starting to feel the pressure of wanting this to happen quickly.  I am expecting my period around Dec 1, and with my cycle being a bit short it means that the insemination would probably be around Dec 11, which means that we will find out whether or not I'm pregnant the week of Christmas.  I would be due for my period on Christmas Day, so I guess the consolation will be that if I'm not pregnant, at least there will be no shortage of food and drink (and chocolate!) to get my through!

I am trying to reduce my caffeine back down the way I did the first time, and once my cycle really starts I'm sure that I'll be much more motivated to detox - but honestly, right now I'm still really enjoying having by body back after a years of trying with my first, then being pregnant and nursing for over a year.  I also wanted to lose 10 pounds before we started again but there you have it...It's actually not my fault at all - I blame Starbucks and their crack-laced peppermint mochas.  (for the weight and the caffeine addiction!)

Waiting for day 1

Living life according to my menstrual cycle is not exclusive to the lesbian fertility experience (or my lesbian fertility experience, since I don't speak for all).  The difference is that we don't go to the clinic because we are experiencing infertility; rather, we go because we are ready to start trying.  My partner and I are feeling a bit cocky (forgive the pun) and I can feel us planning for when I'm pregnant, and for when we have a second child, etc., with blind optimism that this will happen for us and happen quickly.

The first time I was ever inseminated was July 2007.  During our visits that month for cycle monitoring we were almost giddy in the sombre waiting room at the clinic, and we tried to stifle it out of respect for the others.  I got pregnant on our first try and we were over the moon.  Then I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks - it was devastating.

We took time off and started up again in December and tried off an on four more times until May, when I got pregnant again and then had another early miscarriage.  While considering other treatment options (IVF) we tried one more time in July 2008, and that's when we made our son.  All told, it took us a year and by the end of it, we were no longer giddy and excited in the clinic waiting room.  It all feels like ancient history now, and we have our beautiful son now which makes all of that worth every heartbreaking second.   

The thing about living life in two-week cycles is that at the beginning of every month, there is hope.  Hoping for a baby is very emotional, and very all-consuming.  Indeed, this hope comes with some serious strings attached (like the crushing disappointment that may be soon to follow) but for now, hope is just hope and I'm enjoying it.

Must go take some vitamins...

The first visit

We went to the clinic today for our intake appointment (a re-intake, since we were patients there for a year when we tried for our first)  It was very different from the last time when we were so full of questions - partially out of  excitement, partially out of anxiety and fear.  This time was like reuniting with an old friend.  We gave the doctor a recent photo of our son as a thank you for helping us to make him.  I answered a few questions about how my pregnancy went, and he wrote the answer down in my file. (How many weeks, how much did he weigh - stuff like that)  Then he asked us what treatment we want and we said no drugs, and that was that.  It was extremely pleasant.

We got our blood requisition forms, which is a full blood work-up, including HIV tests.  The doctor said "I cannot tell you one reason why we require these tests, but we do require them."  I appreciated his honesty.  Here was the funny part - my partner and I both have to get the tests done (which makes no sense) AND the box on the form to describe our risk factors is "sex with men" - um, really?  We made some adjustments to the "standard" form (filled in by the clinic) because god knows, we got reps to protect.

This might be a personal question, but...

I am a lesbian.  I am married to a woman.  I am also a mother.  While I was pregnant with my son, I could not believe how freely people felt like they could ask me about the details of how I got pregnant.   I particularly appreciated it when people whom I had just met would follow "nice to meet you" with "this might be a personal question, but...."

So as my partner and I begin to try for a second child, I am keeping this as a detailed account of our journey to parenthood as preparation for you overly-curious-yet-well-meaning people who need a tutorial on how to approach a pregnant lesbian.

Here is a rundown of the standard queries, and why you should not ask them:

"How did you decide who would have the baby?"

• This is offensive for a number of reasons. By asking this, you are assuming that we, and not nature, made this decision.  And you are assuming that the decision about who to carry came easily, which in many cases it does not.  Plenty of lesbian couples try with one partner, and then move to the other partner when the first one cannot conceive. Or maybe one of us has a medical issue, or earns more money and can't afford to take a mat leave.  Any way around this, it is none of your business and you should never ask.  

"Who's the father?"

• Team, what part of lesbian parents do you not understand?  Typically, there is no daddy (although some amazing women are in co-parenting situations and do have involved donors or dads - I don't have those kinds of sharing skills) and I will thank you in advance for just taking that word out of your vocabulary and please just say "donor".  Going back to my girl-at-the-party scenario, however, you still can't ask me about the donor in that situation.  Aside from the fact that it is none of your business, please recognize how the focus on the donor makes my partner feel - she is this baby's parent and her role is confusing and not socially defined and focusing on the guy who spunked in a cup for money is more than a little hurtful. 

"Did you always know you wanted kids?"

• Unless you are Barbara Walters or Oprah Winfrey, you should not be asking me questions about my childhood hopes and dreams. The issue with this one is a little bit nuanced than the others - this is problematic when it is asked in the context of having just met me.  Would you ask this if I wasn't  a lesbian? (If the answer is 'yes' then you are reading the wrong blog, because you've got bigger issues)

When you meet lesbian parents-to-be for the first time, it is not your chance to ask everything you ever wanted to know.  Pretend that I got knocked up the old fashioned way, and then let's just talk about the weather.  It IS a personal question!